ANABART

This whole pregnancy thing has really started to drag on and on and on and on.  I mean the first few months were all like "oh cool, growing life, having a baby, yippee ki yay (and yes I googled how to spell that).  But now, my boobs are permanently resting on my belly, I am constantly out of breath, and the thought of continuing to grow (and then swell) for another approximately 86 more days is almost more than I can stand.

Now don't get me wrong - I am so excited to have a baby, glad he is doing great in there, yadda yadda yadda, insert any other disclosure that reassures you that I am not a terrible person taking for granted how lucky I am to have this opportunity.  But seriously folks, MY BOOBS AND MY BELLY HAVE LITERALLY FUSED INTO A SINGLE, COHESIVE UNIT.  Like I am worried about something getting lost in there.  And its not just the boob/belly thing.  I was driving in my car yesterday and noticed that there are parts of my back/arm fat resting against the car seat that did not used to be there.  And you can forget about the thighs - they have so much friction going on from rubbing together that I am worried about starting a fire and becoming seriously injured in my nether region.

But, enough about me - well I mean the whole blog is basically about me so I am going to continue rambling about myself, but will at least move onto a less volumptous topic.  Because I seriously feel like all I ever talk about is how huge I feel.  So, I am going to make it a point to discuss something else. 

Last week, I started randomly having Braxton Hicks contractions.  You might already know this, but if you don't here is some useful information about this phenomenon- If you start having Braxton Hicks contractions at 27 weeks, this apparently is a-okay.  And no reason to call your mother and husband and inform them that you may be having preterm labor because the website you were reading says you shouldn't be having these yet.  My doctor infomed me it was perfectly fine.  --Now, don't just go based on what I said.  I mean I am no doctor and in no way mean for this statement to guide you in anything you do.  Just recounting what MY doctor said --

The whole Braxton Hicks thing is really quite a bizarre phenonmeon.  First, you are just waddling down the street minding your own business and your whole gullet starts to sqeeze up like you are having a charlie horse in your uterus - and I wasn't even exactly sure where my uterus was! But when it starts to pucker up like a kid eating a lemon you know exactly where it is.  And you think to yourself, "Self, I think you are having a contraction. One of those Braxton Hicks things. Perhaps I should google this and see if this normal."

Well, Google produced the following results:
1. They are named after John Braxton Hicks, the doctor who first described them in 1872.  Now, why did it take a male doctor until 1872 to "describe" them and how the heck does he know how to describe them.  Does he have a uterine wall that is contracting at irregular intervals?  I think not.  It really irritates me that we named them after this man.  This man that did not have to deal with the ordeal of pushing something out of his whoo-haa a few short months later after he so eloquently "described" them for all the world.  So I am renaming them - ANABART contractions.  Which stands for Allegedly Not As Bad As the Real Thing contractions.  I add the allegedly because if you are having an ANABART contraction, you haven't experienced a real contraction so you don't know for sure.  And also, because I plan on having an epidural at like week 32 and every week thereafter so I hope to not feel any real contractions.

2. ANABART contractions are apparently caused by dehydration or a full bladder.  So drink up, but don't drink too much. Helpful I know.

3. ANABART contractions can also be brought on by "overdoing" it but can be are alleviated by exercise.  Again, helpful.  However, I am joining the camp that states they are brought on by overdoing it.  I will from this point on be taking every elevator I can find and have stopped doing any type of cooking or cleaning.  Considering telling my boss that waking up before 9  or working past 3 is going to be overdoing it and we will have to adjust my work schedule accordingly. For the baby's sake of course.

4. Apparently the best way to tell if your contractions are false labor or real labor is if they continue to get stronger and closer together for a period of time they are probably real contractions.  Or if a baby starts coming out.  (I added the second part, but it seems logical that if a baby is coming out of your body, it was real contractions and you should probably call someone.)

I will be contacting the authorities who name bodily functions as soon as possible to tell them about the new name.  If you have these powerful people's contact information, that would be helpful and appreciated.  Sorry John Braxton Hicks, but your time in the limelight is over.