Why Yes! I AM Having Twins.

While I sit here on the computer, finishing off the bag of Hint of Jalapeno Scoops, rubbing my belly and wishing Robby was home to get me whats left of the Thin Mints in the freezer, I started looking at this girl's honeymoon pictures on Facebook.  I don't know why I would do that to myself but these days, anytime someone gets married and posts pictures of themselves in tiny bikinis at some exotic beach I can't help but stalking them a tidge.  And, well, I hate them. 

I hate them not because they are at an exotic, all inclusive resort being wined and dined.  Oh no.  I hate them for being tan and toned and in a tiny string bikini with their adoring husband by their side.  If I put on a tiny string bikini on right now, the only thing my husband could do is help me fish out the strings from between one of my Grand Canyon-esque rolls before it became lost forever.

This is the same sentiment I feel for all the women on those pregnancy sites (cue daily pregnancy calendar which by the way has had some doozies lately - giving me an idea for another post) who complain about being twenty two weeks pregnant and not showing AT ALL.  "I mean, I just want to outgrow my pre-pregnancy clothes before the end of my pregnancy!"  I swear to you, I cannot make this stuff up.   I wanted to responded, "SHUT UP B$*#@" but thought that would be a very un-Christian like thing to say so I just rolled my eyes and ate a Tootsie Roll.

You may be thinking - oh, Ashley, you have such a flair for the dramatic.  You act as if you are a beached whale or something.  Well, my doubtful friend, let me recount to you my first really awkward, everyone in the room is looking away at the conversation taking place, pregnant moment as it went down last week:

So, I walk into a meeting where most everyone knows I am pregnant and has seen me at some point during the pregnancy.  They are all like, oh you are finally showing blah blah, saying those nice, polite things you say to a woman who just waddled from the parking lot into the room and is sweating from exertion.  But this one woman, who I see maybe three times a year, looks at me and says, "Oh, when are you due?" I respond, June 30.  She looks at me and says, seriously, like not kidding at all, "aww, are you having twins?" I respond with a polite chuckle and a "no, just one."  She looks concerned for a second, and then informs me I have a ways to go before that baby gets here.

What do you say to this?! I know lady.  I know have four more months which is sixteen more weeks (really seventeen weeks and two days, but who's counting) which is probably going to even out to twenty more pounds that I still have to gain.  I know I should be careful because you still have to lose all that weight when the baby comes.  I also know that for the first time in my life, I am eating dessert after every meal, barely breaking a sweat the one time a week I make it to the gym, and trying my best to convince myself that seventeen pounds in twenty two weeks is a completely normal and healthy addition to my scale - and rear.

And yes, I said it.  SEVENTEEN POUNDS.  Gasp! I have gained seventeen pounds.  Not sure why everyone tries to hide how much weight they have gained.  I mean obviously you can SEE it on my front side, and back side and both side sides for that matter.  I might as well put a number to it.  I might as well not be ashamed. I might as well change my approach the next time someone is confused by the fact that only one small child could possibly be growing in this gullet of mine.  I am going with go along with it.  Why yes, I am having twins.  Thank you for asking.  Yes, we are so surprised.  No, they don't really run in our family.  Yes, we do have their names picked out.  Baby A is Wyatt Shelton Allen and and Baby B is Nabisco DoubleStuff Oreo.  If I get really big, I might up the ante to us having triplets.  Baby C could be named BaconCheeseburger N. Fries.