Things I Didn't Know Before I Got Knocked Up

1. In a single week, my daily pregnancy calender dropped these two delightful bombs on me:
         a) You may notice leaking colostrum.  (By the way, this is breast milk)
         b) You may be experiencing leaking urine or stress incontinence.
Wow, REALLY?  You have forty weeks to discuss the possibility that I am going to be walking around while still pregnant leaking breast milk and peeing on myself and you do it within two days of one another.  Awesome.  Oh, and Honey, no need to set the sprinklers up in the backyard this week.  I am just going to go lay out in the yard and leak all over it.  Thats disgusting. And unnecessary.  And I am not sorry I shared it with you. But, in case you are wondering, I have not as of today peed my pants or sprouted breast milk onto myself.  Trust me, I will let you know when either of the above events occurs.  BUT on a related note, something else I learned the hard way in this pregnancy is that your nose bleeds. Just randomly starts leaking blood even if you have never had a nose bleed before.  I am really rooting for the leakage trifecta - the perfect storm if you will.  Hopefully somewhere good and public, like the cookie aisle at Kroger.  I hope I leak blood from my nose, milk from my boobs, and urine, well from you know where, all at the same time and completely freak some little kid out.  That'll teach her abstinence.

2. You can gain thirty some odd pounds while pregnant.  The scale does go that high.  Your doctor will tell you to lay off the bonbons.  You will hate her when she tells you this.  And laugh to yourself as you leave the doctor's office and proceed to immediately go eat a bacon cheeseburger.  With fries. This is what you look like:

And for a close up:

And yes, we were just kidding with the whole kiss her belly shot.  We are not actually that dorky.  I, however, am that huge. 

3. It is possible to fall in love with someone you have never met, and when you see his perfect little face you just know that he is yours and while you have no idea what you are going to do with him when he gets here, you can't freaking wait to introduce yourself. 

Remind me how excited I was for him to get here in about ten weeks when I haven't slept, eaten, or showered in days and own no article of clothing that has not been peed, pooped, or spit up on.