Two back to back blog posts you ask? Well after the day I had today, I simply had to share with you.
As a little background ... I have been working on this big, federal grant proposal that is due Tuesday and as a part of it, I had to get all the sheriff's in my district's signatures. So today, I set out to transverse the Third Judicial District of Mississippi in search of signatures, and well, everyone should travel these roads once in their life. They are full of animals you have to really see to believe.
1. As I leave Oxford heading north on Highway 7, I cross into Marshall County and see the biggest dog I have ever seen standing in the middle of the road. As I slow down wondering why the big dog doesn't move, I realize something. This is not a dog. Oh no. We have a cow that has gone rogue. And she is not happy with the current traffic situation. And she is staring at me like it is my fault that she has escaped from whatever insufficient pen her cow farmer was keeping her. All I can think of is how Robby yelled me not once but twice in the past few weeks to never swerve to avoid an animal walking into the road. I believe his words were: "Just hit the animal Ashley; they aren't worth causing an accident" Hmmmm, for some reason I doubt this is the situation he had in mind. So I decide swerving from a dead stop, cattle Mexican stand off would be appropriate and escape the potentially cattle-strauphic situation. (By the way, don't worry about the cow. I promptly notified the Sheriff's Department about said angry cow and after convincing them that I was not making this up, they left to find the she-devil and return her to her rightful farmland).
2. Fast forward three counties and two hours of my life and I have made it to Union County where I encounter following story. Now, this story has nothing to do with me directly, but it is just too good to not be shared. And it did happen today so it totally counts. Apparently, the officer in charge of supervising house arrest folks had a guy that was having some malfunctioning monitoring equipment so he went to pay Criminal a visit. When he gets there he realizes the problem is with the transmitter thingy (I didn't get the technical terms from him, sorry) which Criminal states is located in his bedroom. Well, upon inspection our supervisor realizes that the wire has been chewed all the way through - by the GOAT in the guys bedroom. I could elaborate on this in so many ways but will let your minds go where they will. All I can say is the man had goat poop all over his room so the goat was apparently making himself at home.
***Relatives: There was no evidence that the goat man was related to us or even living in Ingomar. Just a random guy in Union County. Cue sigh of relief.***
3. Fast forward to somewhere between Chickasaw and Calhoun counties. I notice there is a small field that is on fire next to this little house off the side of the road. It is obvious that this is an intentional fire because there are two men standing by the road supervising the blaze laughing and chatting. The problem is that there are a least ten kids ranging in age from probably 5 to 12 sporadically standing around the field-o-fire with buckets (I am assuming of water) and hoses and shovels (not sure what the shovels are for, didn't stop to inquire). Now, I am all about getting your kids to help around the house on Spring Break, but forcing them to act as your own personal volunteer fire department seems a bit inappropriate. And a bucket of water being held by a seven year old twenty feet from your home is probably not what your insurance guy had in mind when he asked you if you had the appropriate fire preventative devices to qualify for that new lower rate on your home insurance. Just throwing that out there.
4. Finally, I make it back to Oxford and run by office to check in before heading home. I get a call on my phone from a number I don't know. Its my vet. Who lives in my neighborhood. Who is calling me to tell me my devil dog is running around the neighborhood. Now, let me tell you about Devil Dog. She stays in our backyard during the day which is closed in by a six foot privacy fence. Which, after she continuously refused to stay in, Robby strung with electrical wire that is supposedly streaming high voltage electricity all along the bottom of the fence. Now, in Devil Dog's defense, I checked the wire and its not currently working. But I have to ask myself, how many times did that stupid dog go up to that wire and get shocked before trying today and realizing it wasn't working. I mean, she just didn't think to herself, "hey, I havne't dug under this fence in a while, the last time a tried I got electrocuted, but I mean, maybe today will be different." I bet her heart skipped a beat when she realized she was free. Free at last. Her and Mad Cow should really get together - they could write a book called Going Rogue. Oh wait, someone already did that...
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Re: No Subject
I am currently sitting here watching "One Born Every Minute." (Thanks Lauren - I'm hooked). For those of you who haven't seen this show, its on Lifetime and it follows women having babies in a very non-TLC Baby Story way. Its hilarious! However, they just showed this woman have a baby. Like she just straight up had a baby. On national TV. When she was pushing I kind of felt like I was going to throw up but then this tiny little baby was there and I found myself tearing up - over a kid I don't even know. I am officially an emotional basket case.
Because there have been no horribly traumatic events between this and the last post I am going to just give you a quick update on whats been going on with me and Peanut.
Lets see, I will start with tonight at Belk. Namely because it has nothing to do with baby and more to do with my junk. In my trunk. Lots of it. I went to get a new strapless bra because, well because the one from last year took one look at me, laughed a scared little laugh, and played dead until I put him back in the drawer with a sign. So while I was there buying the largest piece of fabric I had ever seen (up to that point at least) I noticed that they had panties on sale. **This may all be way too much information for some of you, but honest to God, it must be told in the name of full disclosure.** So I started perusing the clearance rack and I bought the LARGEST pieces of polyester and cotton I could find. If the bra I just bought (and the ones I bought previously - see earlier post about skinny women) could house a family of Cubans in their escape to Florida, the panties I bought tonight could be their sail. They could be in Miami in like an hour and half if the wind whipped up these things just right. In fact, they seemed so large on that hanger I thought about asking the elderly lady next to me if she thought these would be waaaay too big for me, but then the sales clerk asked if I was in my eighth or ninth month and I just said to heck with it, bought the parachutes and got out of there.
OKAY UPDATE: still watching this show and this other girl waited too long to have an epidural and is now having a baby naturally. I am OFFICIALLY getting an epidural the next time Wyatt kicks too hard. This girl is screaming and carrying on like no one's business and I am thinking that this is not the way I want to proceed. Its really her fault though. She is the one the messed around and waited too long to have the durn epidural. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE SILLY GIRL? There is no reward for waiting the longest, you should have let them stick that big needle in your back hours ago. Now look at you, sweating, and screaming and disrupting everyone else's labor. All the nurses are scared of you. You can see it on their faces as they scurry past your door with their heads down.
Lets see, besides that...Well Wyatt finally decided to make his presence known in full force. He took long enough to start moving around so that I could feel him, but then at 22 weeks I felt like some of my organs were going to drop out of my body and after a solid day of this, I realized that yes, this is what these other women are talking about. My baby is officially kicking the crap out of me. Now, I can't imagine a day without him beebopping around in there. I just kind of wish that he would flip around and get his feet off my bladder. Every time he gets to really kicking, I feel like I am going to pee on myself. I am sort of getting scared that I am going to actually pee on myself in public soon. And blaming it on the baby is kind of like blaming that weird smell on the dog - even if it was the dog everyone secretly suspects it was you the whole time.
And finally, I passed my glucose test which means that I can continue on with my daily cookie habit which has kind of slowed down in recent days anyway. I know it has slowed down because there is a bag of Oreos that has been in the pantry for over four days now. It is sad that so many cookies had to die so that this one package could live for more than 36 hours in our home. This is some new kind of record. I think its because I have moved on to chicken salad and Honey Nut Cheerios. Not together, just as a necessary staple. I have single handedly, just this week, eaten almsot an entire tub of Newk's chicken salad and one of those industrial size boxes of Cheerios. As I sit here too lazy to get up and go to bed I am wondering if a third chicken salad sandwhich would be completely inappropriate for a Tuesday night. Oh gosh, an entire box of Cheerios and a tub of chicken salad and its only Tuesday? Its going to be a long fifteen weeks.....I may actually be wearing sailboat sails as underwear before this is all said and done.
Because there have been no horribly traumatic events between this and the last post I am going to just give you a quick update on whats been going on with me and Peanut.
Lets see, I will start with tonight at Belk. Namely because it has nothing to do with baby and more to do with my junk. In my trunk. Lots of it. I went to get a new strapless bra because, well because the one from last year took one look at me, laughed a scared little laugh, and played dead until I put him back in the drawer with a sign. So while I was there buying the largest piece of fabric I had ever seen (up to that point at least) I noticed that they had panties on sale. **This may all be way too much information for some of you, but honest to God, it must be told in the name of full disclosure.** So I started perusing the clearance rack and I bought the LARGEST pieces of polyester and cotton I could find. If the bra I just bought (and the ones I bought previously - see earlier post about skinny women) could house a family of Cubans in their escape to Florida, the panties I bought tonight could be their sail. They could be in Miami in like an hour and half if the wind whipped up these things just right. In fact, they seemed so large on that hanger I thought about asking the elderly lady next to me if she thought these would be waaaay too big for me, but then the sales clerk asked if I was in my eighth or ninth month and I just said to heck with it, bought the parachutes and got out of there.
OKAY UPDATE: still watching this show and this other girl waited too long to have an epidural and is now having a baby naturally. I am OFFICIALLY getting an epidural the next time Wyatt kicks too hard. This girl is screaming and carrying on like no one's business and I am thinking that this is not the way I want to proceed. Its really her fault though. She is the one the messed around and waited too long to have the durn epidural. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE SILLY GIRL? There is no reward for waiting the longest, you should have let them stick that big needle in your back hours ago. Now look at you, sweating, and screaming and disrupting everyone else's labor. All the nurses are scared of you. You can see it on their faces as they scurry past your door with their heads down.
Lets see, besides that...Well Wyatt finally decided to make his presence known in full force. He took long enough to start moving around so that I could feel him, but then at 22 weeks I felt like some of my organs were going to drop out of my body and after a solid day of this, I realized that yes, this is what these other women are talking about. My baby is officially kicking the crap out of me. Now, I can't imagine a day without him beebopping around in there. I just kind of wish that he would flip around and get his feet off my bladder. Every time he gets to really kicking, I feel like I am going to pee on myself. I am sort of getting scared that I am going to actually pee on myself in public soon. And blaming it on the baby is kind of like blaming that weird smell on the dog - even if it was the dog everyone secretly suspects it was you the whole time.
And finally, I passed my glucose test which means that I can continue on with my daily cookie habit which has kind of slowed down in recent days anyway. I know it has slowed down because there is a bag of Oreos that has been in the pantry for over four days now. It is sad that so many cookies had to die so that this one package could live for more than 36 hours in our home. This is some new kind of record. I think its because I have moved on to chicken salad and Honey Nut Cheerios. Not together, just as a necessary staple. I have single handedly, just this week, eaten almsot an entire tub of Newk's chicken salad and one of those industrial size boxes of Cheerios. As I sit here too lazy to get up and go to bed I am wondering if a third chicken salad sandwhich would be completely inappropriate for a Tuesday night. Oh gosh, an entire box of Cheerios and a tub of chicken salad and its only Tuesday? Its going to be a long fifteen weeks.....I may actually be wearing sailboat sails as underwear before this is all said and done.
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