Vocabulary Lessons and Random Tidbits

Warning: this is an incredibly long and rambling post.

In the past almost three months, my life has changed dramatically.  I know you are thinking, "well duh, you got yourself knocked up. Change was inevitable." And to this thought I can only agree with you.  I knew the moment I sat my glass of wine down to pee on that stick and it started dinging and lighting up and singing the itsy bitsy spider my life was about to change. Forever. 

*And no, this did not actually happen.  Well the part about the wine did.  All that actually happened on that stick was a little line popped up so fast I couldn't even get my drawers back up. (Which leads to one hopping around the bathroom with their pants around their ankles saying words that are not appropriate for this blog while scrambling to find that other pregnancy test and willing your bladder to give you just one more stream of pee.) However, I do feel that a positive pregnancy test should give you a little more than just a line to tell you everything in your life has changed, and you should begin your meltdown (or celebration depending on your frame of mind) immediately.  A little clip from this song might would be an appropriate song for the EPT to sing when you are, in fact, pregnant:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1R4rhY3qZ8  (give it to about the 27 second mark to start the song -its the only clip I could find, but it truly is worth your patience - in fact, I am changing this to my cell phone ring for Robby)

But, I ramble.  Almost immediately everything started to change.  That next day I went to this nurse practitioner I know and told her my predicament: I have had two positive pregnancy tests but I cannot be pregnant because I do not think I want to be pregnant quite yet so I am here for a professional, medical opinion.  This, of course, leads to her and one of her nurses handing me cotton balls from that stereotypical glass container (they should really invest in some tissues) and asking me if they should "call someone" as I have my third complete meltdown in twelve hours. 

But, I managed to pull it together and took all my paperwork home and began reading.  And so began my still ongoing, almost daily, vocabulary lesson. I wanted to share a few with you. 

First up: listeria.  Before I became with child, I would have bet at least twenty bucks that Listeria was a country in Eastern Europe probably somewhere near the Czech Republic where nearly all of the women were named Natasha and their last names had lots of kszy's in them.  However, listeria is actually a bacteria that is in seemingly everything, will kill you and your unborn child, and is the reason you cannot eat deli meat, unpasteurized cheeses (still not sure what all this entails) raw fish, and the list goes on and on and on.  Now, some women get real freaked out by this whole listeria thing.  I, on the other hand, took it as I should really try not to get food poisoning.  Which, lucky for me, I have been trying to not get food poisoning my whole life because it sucks.  So, well this one has been a pretty easy adjustment for me -

Second, minky dot.What a dumb word.  I don't have an alternate definition for this word because I had never heard of it.  Minky dot.  Sure, I know what it is now and I will concede that there may be a little minky dot in my life (cue Mambo Number 5: " a little Minky Dot in my life" -- sorry I cannot help myself).  But come on folks, lets call it something else.  I have always called it that fuzzy fabric with the dots on.  Which seems to get the point across.  Minky dot. Ha.

Third, and for those of you who have never been pregnant read this very closely.  It has changed my life forever.  Episiotomy.  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? DO YOU? DO YOU???? Well if you do, and if you have had a baby, and had one of these, hats off to you my friend.  For those of you who don't know, well I would love to let you just keep living in ignorance, but I simply cannot do this.  Mostly because I am so completely freaked out that I want you to be as completely as uncomfortable as I am.  An episiotomy is when the doctors CUT you from your vagina to your anus during childbirth.  My friends say oh you want them to cut you or it tears.  WHAAAT? That can tear? That can happen? This is worse than when I found out that people poop during labor.  Oh my gosh.  I cannot do this.  I am not the kind of person who can take a ripping perineum (which could be vocabulary word 3a - its the medical term for the area between your whoo haa and your rear end). But, I have been researching this phenomenon extensively since I discovered its existence.  Apparently, it grows back, to normal, with little to no complications or long standing effects on your body ---most of the time.  Yes, most of the time.  Because, of course, everyone knows a horror story.   But I cannot concentrate on the possible after effects, side effects, or complications because I am too freaked out that this even happens.  They should teach this to young girls in health class.  Bet it would dramatically reduce teen pregnancies.  Because this is more frightening to me than the prospect of actually raising the child.

I have to sign up for that epidural next week. If there is going to be ripping or cutting, I don't want to know about it.

Now, briefly on to a little lighter subject matter.  Let me tell you what I did yesterday.  I went grocery shopping.  Spent 106 dollars at Kroger.  And do you know what I did for the first time in my life????? I bought whatever I wanted.  I did not even once look at the calories in any item I bought.  Doritos? Sure, two bags please.  And I am talking about the Blazing Buffalo and Cool Ranch kinds - no baked chips for me! Cookies? Why not?  Two boxes of already made cookies, sugar cookie mix, icing, and while I was on that aisle, why not pick up some blueberry muffin mix, brownie mix, and oh! they have cornbread mix - I bet that would be good.  Canned food aisle - no problem.  I skipped the canned green beans and went straight to the rotel tomatoes - I would later gather Velveeta cheese, don't worry - and the Spaghettios and the Chef Boyardee.  I can't wait. Also got stuff to make Hot Tomato Grits -

*As a side note, I tasted the hot tomato grits last weekend at Abby's baby shower.  Rebecca, if you are reading this, this recipe has changed my life forever, and I have eaten it for at least one meal a day since then.  Anything with bacon, cheddar cheese, and rotel tomatoes has to be good.  Eat it with an apple on the side, and it is, well it is simply amazing.

Also amazing to me lately: the phenomenon of pickled foods.  Which made up a significant portion of my 106 dollars at Kroger.  I bought pickles, pickled jalapenos, pickled corn, pickled okra, pickle relish, and pepprocini peppers, and to top it all off, Ranch dressing.  Because pickles topped with ranch dressing is the snack of true champions.  I am almost positive of this.

While checking out, I felt so self-conscious about my basketful of junk food I found myself telling the check out girl that I was pregnant.  To which, she told me she gained 96 pounds while she was pregnant (oh crap - should I put the cake mix back? maybe just get one bag of chips??) and didn't know she was pregnant until she was 4 months along because she never missed her period and was on birth control. Hmmm.

What is about the phenomenon of pregnancy that makes complete strangers think it is okay to discuss the presence or absence of their menstrual cycle with you at the checkout line in Kroger? More on this topic later.